• lost, but maybe found

    For the first time in my life, I don’t know what I want.

    I mean that in a: In my 20s, I always had a theory about a next step. Those next steps sometimes got me to where I am in a big way, sometimes burnt me out hard.

    I’m too tired for either case now and also have this deep paralysis. Like no ultimate place to go, be, or strive to?

    Maybe an inkling of an answer: TikTok (haha) shows me content about how being bored after healing from major trauma shocks us. Like, your body has been in Fight/Flight for so long, normalcy is eerie for awhile.

    I’m hoping it’s that. My “non-goal” goal for the new year is to continue to be boring with my boring partner, my boring friends, and have a routine boring life focused on health.

  • SIBO notes

    I’m yeeting this out into the ether for anyone who might be suffering from chronic gut pains. A few things I’ve figured out after a ton of reading online:

    This vlog.

    This very long YouTube video of 1 person’s journey. I wish it were a blog post, because I have a hard time scrubbing information from a video. Unfortunately, I also can’t summarize it since SIBO is such an obnoxious diagnosis: No one situation is the same as others. I played the video in the background and came back to actively take notes when I heard keywords matching my situation.

    This book.

    The Microbiome Connection book. Written by Dr. Mark Pimentel and Dr. Ali Rezaie. They are regarded as the leading researchers on SIBO. I looked into borrowing this from Libby, but alas, it is very much in demand. Given how miserable and disabling this disease is, I’m buying a copy to read it sooner.

    The forums.

    /r/SIBO is the best place for consolidated personal stories. And you’ll still find conflicting advice. Some things seem to work for more people than others. But the problem with trying everything all at once is: You need to be able to isolate what does and doesn’t work. In the worst cases, what doesn’t work for you might make you sicker. Such misery!

    Herbal treatments.

    There are several supplements that work for herbal remedies. I prefer to buy each separate ingredient as its own pill. This way you can isolate what does and doesn’t work. I also have a preference for consuming Ginger and Artichoke as teas. (I drink 4-8 pots of tea daily, so this works for me.)

    Is everything actually a gut problem?

    It’s possible that a poor gut will cause an over production of histamine. This is chemically the same as an allergy attack! There is increased research that the gut is a second brain. Serotonin is 90% produced in the gut. It’s common for gut issue sufferers to have depression and anxiety. So… it’s made me wonder.

    Disclaimer thing: Hello! I’m not a doctor and this post should not be regarded as medical advice. It’s notes for my future self and maybe friends who might find themselves wanting someone to talk about something similar.

  • Gomez Addams

    Tiktok shows me a lot of Gomez & Morticia Addams content. Today’s video said, “A relationship works best if the man loves the woman a little more.”

    Shortly after watching, my man asked if I had dinner. (Of course not, every December I’m too depressed to function.) Then offered to pick up some on the way over. What do I want? (Nothing in particular, because no appetite.) He decided that it’d had to be those chili cheese fries I told him to be one of my ultimate comfort dishes.

    Sometimes I think about cutting out Tiktok because it is a huge time sink. But then stuff like this happens. The app brought me to appreciate the fact that my Gomez has come home to me.

  • doodles for friends & fun

    “I hope your life gets more bi & less chaotic.”

    This morning I lettered this silly thing for self identifying Chaotic Bi(sexual) friends.

    I haven’t enjoyed showing up to work for awhile now. If I knew all the changes I need to make, I would’ve implemented them already.

    This moment however has brought me closer to the answer: I haven’t laughed, felt joy, or been in a safe space to express my humor. And that needs to change.

  • never settle

    CW: I talk about bodily pains and gut functions.


    When I started to date again in earnest this past spring, I wondered who want to deal with my shit. And I mean in a very literal way.

    SIBO remedies are not one-size-fit-all and still rather inelegant. It looks like destroying all of the bacteria, not just the overgrowth. It also looks like purposefully depriving yourself of greens and fibers, in hopes that you kill off enough of the problematic faction before growing the biome back.

    Going on a date once a week was manageable, because I could mask this reality. Friends supporting a SIBO friend is also doable! Long stretches of intimacy though, yikes. It’s like having to hold in something much much worse than 1 stinky fart. And impossible at that.

    The origin story deserves its own blog post, but the spoiler is that I found an amazing partner in the most unexpected place. I wake up to texts wishing me a good shit. On weekends, there are full blown cooked meals that are extremely gut-issue-of-the-week friendly. And everything else is pretty normal. I don’t have to hide this reality.

    Anyways! Don’t settle. And make yourself a Vision Document before you start dating again in earnest.

  • from city to beach

    The second closest Post Office was in this hidden parklet.

    I’m moving, again! Out from the city and near the beach.

    Finally. I’ve been wanting to, but for many reasons, didn’t have the energy to figure this out. But perhaps I lucked out, because earlier this year, I had almost went down the process of putting a mortgage on a home.

    Downtown Los Angeles has some charm. I’m trying to remember to (re)visit all the places while I can easily based here. The vast majority of this list is proximity to Little Tokyo.

    • Azay – A favorite French Japanese style café. Limited hours makes it hard to visit, but the Duck Soba Soup is immaculate.
    • Cafe Dulce – Nice local coffee shop with good drinks. People really like the donuts here. I don’t really like donuts, but I pick them up if I’m visiting a friend who does.
    • Sushi Takeda – Really stellar value for quality. Lunch omakase is a good price. They recognize me here. I really like sushi. I’d come back and park to eat here!
    • Millet Crepe – Pricey, but decent. This was my High Value Treat after EMDR therapy sessions.
    • Grass Jelly always gets attention when we walk from home to Little Tokyo. No surprise. “OMG! Look at the SHIBA INU!” Can’t let it get to his head.
    • Shopify Los Angeles – Being close meant being able to go to their events easily and even host one of my own for work. Such kind people. Always appreciate a decent collaborator.

      There’s also another Cafe Dulce on the same block which I had the pleasure(?) of having a drink with 4 shots it during my event. lmao
    • AFURI – My favorite Yuzu Ramen chain export from Japan. The people I’ve taken are fans. Always a source of pride when people enjoy the recommendations I try to make.
    • Shoutouts to my support here. The first PCP who took my every little concern seriously. Sport Massage adjustments which corrected my pains (and has now provided my mother with a source of consistent friendship). The security guard who let me borrow his personal cell phone to get myself back into the apartment… The valet parking guys and their sense of humors.

    Maybe I’ll add more later!

  • chronic pains

    I had 8 good hours today, so that’s a blessing. That’s a whole capitalistic workday!

    Now I’m on the sofa with a heat rash originating from my ear canal. It feels like a reaction to an allergy shot. (Which I didn’t do today!) I think the shots are working, but it’s hard to test until next spring.

    The second course of SIBO antibiotics brought on bloating. At least today is the last day on the 3x a day pill course. Typical. Its job is to absolutely decimate the bacteria in the gut, overflow and all.

    Around 5:30pm it got very dark, I looked at the clock and hope for the night to be over quickly. I’ve always had SAD every winter, but recently read that people who have SIBO might have issues processing Vitamin D3 via ingestion. Could explain why doubling up on sunshine pills didn’t do so much!

    Who needs COVID when your year has brought on an onslaught of chronic illness symptoms.

    P.S. Any friends who’ve had to deal with similar pains, let’s share notes. As these mysteries of bodily function pains tend to be so opaque.

  • since you’ve been gone

    Atom is sunsetting. VS Code is cool. Tech start-ups with independent streaks were acquired. Is #DesignTwitter still full of piping hot tea?

  • blogs

    Enjoying how people I know are blogging again! Sometimes I check my boyfriend’s blog to see if he posted about me yet. (He hasn’t.)

  • Jodie Cook

    Recently I discovered Jodie Cook. Her story and writing has brought clarity on finding my own path in a sea of so many things.

    Highlights from her latest book:

    There is a difference between inspiring and idolizing. One will lift you up and the other will bring you down. The best way of ensuring you can take inspiration while not losing yourself is to know yourself.

    The Ten Year Career

    Trodden paths are rarely those that yield the best results. You can’t copy and paste someone else’s route to success. If you want what no one else has, do what no one else will do.

    The Ten Year Career